Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
