What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
