Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
