I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
