im having a threesome with these popsicles
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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