I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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