new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
