Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
