he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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