If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
