Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
