woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
