If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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