I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
