I got chris browned last night
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
