My nipple is on Facebook.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
