I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
