So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
