my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
