her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
