the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
