Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
