i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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