so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
