Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
