You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
