Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
