oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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