So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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