HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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