At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
