I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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