hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
