a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
