my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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