I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
