Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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