I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
