I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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