I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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