i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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