Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
