I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk