thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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