to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
