then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
