This dress was meant to end up on your floor
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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