Hey man sorry I got all grabby
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
