NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
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It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
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I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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