Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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