is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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