She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
