it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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