I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I stole a fireplace last night.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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