apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
