guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
